Boozing doesn’t kill brain cells. Keep drinking, you scholars!

You may wake up after a night on the town feeling like you have the IQ of a monkey (don’t sell yourself short: even hungover you’d make a damn smart monkey). But rest assured: you’ve got just as many brain cells as you had yesterday… and about six times as many as a monkey.

Before we’re born, we humans are equipped with between 86 and 100 billion neurons vs. a baboon’s 14 billion or a gorilla’s 7 billion. If alcohol did kill brain cells, it would take a hell of a lot of drinking to kill that many, even for a monkey! 

In fact, a 1993 study by Danish Neurologist Grethe Jensen covered here in the Independent showed that the neuron count of deceased alcoholics was essentially identical to that of deceased non-alcoholics (although Jensen, in being able to count billions of neurons and prove this hypothesis, assumedly has billions more neurons than a normal human monkey).

What Jensen did find is that excessive alcohol intake impairs the connections between neurons. This inhibits your capacity to think straight which is probably why you failed to come up with a clever line to open a conversation with that attractive woman sipping martinis at Harry’s last weekend (it’s not, however, why you spilled your gin rickey all over her sexy red dress. That’s just because you’re a clumsy, drunk idiot). 

If you are a heavy drinker (as I’m assuming you are since you are British), fear not! Simply easing yourself off the juice for a while will repair those blurry connections and set you back towards your life’s goal of producing more brain cells than Dr. Jensen in order to gain the smarts necessary to build that elevator to the moon you’ve always dreamed of. 

Shit! Then you realize that humans have little to no neurogenesis capacity. Oh well. Looks like you’ll have to pour yourself another G&T and keep calling NASA to build you that elevator. At least they’ll have plenty of space monkeys to test it out. And yes, space monkeys are smarter than you, drunk or not.

space suit astronaught monkey